Chapter Eleven is the hardest chapter I will write in this book. It is also one of the turning points that helped me to remove the tremendous weight that had been on my shoulders for the previous 39 years. One day in February of 2000, I received two phone calls that would change my life forever. The first call consisted of possible forgiveness, hopelessness, regret, and heartbreak. While the second call consisted of shock, tragedy, guilt and finality. This call was a sheriff's deputy notifying me that there had been a death in my family.
The days and events following these calls would forever change me and the person I would become. I felt pain, guilt, grief, relief and transformation. I had thoughts in regards to past decisions that I had made. I also second guessed myself over and over as to my decisions and the bearing they may have had on this sudden loss.
In this chapter, you will see some of the inner workings of my heart and soul. These thoughts, and feelings in word form will be scribbled on a scrap piece of paper that I found lying in a pile of discarded computer paper in my home office. The markings on this paper will eventually come together and the words displayed will represent one of the hardest things that I had ever done. I hope by sharing this deeply personal note, you will carefully examine your own relationships, regrets, and regain yourself, as to include your hopes and dreams for the future. I also hope that you will allow yourself to live for today and leave the pain, fear, guilt, and victim role just where it belongs, in the past.